forrestblack

• 16:09 Doing a bit of 'spring' cleaning. Some social areas of my place didn't really get touched (read cleaned) the whole time I was injured. Yuck. #
• 16:11 Hoping to get it uncluttered enough to get a regular cleaning service scheduled. I suspect I'll be visiting the storage place a lot shortly. #
• 16:51 Note to self: Sunset/Crescent hts WAMU is way nicer than the Sunset/Vine one #

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horrordrunx

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MYSPACE - WHAT THOSE PROFILES REALLY MEAN

A Horror Drunx Exclusive
by
El Vampiro

IF THESE ARE THE POINTS THEY PUSH IN THEIR MYSPACE PROFILE, THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE PROBABLY REALLY SAYING ABOUT THEMSELVES...

1. "I'M A RETRO PIN-UP MODEL": At least 25 pounds overweight, stupid tattoos (too many to be a real model anymore), alcoholic, dresses like your grandma. Their professional photo shoot experience is usually restricted to some random scumbag they know that has a digital camera.

2. "I'M A FETISH MODEL": Two types - "Fat and full of drama" or "skinny, amphetamine problem, will put out if you are in a band or a photographer, full of drama". How about you read a book and stop thinking with your snatch?

3. LARGE BREASTS FEATURED IN PROFILE: Two types - "And that is all I have going for me" or "And so is the rest of me", both mean low self esteem and easy offline hook-up, but why would you want to?

4. IF THE WORD "PIRATE" APPEARS ANYPLACE ON THEIR PROFILE: Watches those stupid movies based on a theme park ride too much and lives at home. Alcohol and Meds are often their excuse for stupid behavior and talking in fake British accents. Real pirates would horrify them, buttrape them, and slit their throats. Real pirates don't have curfews or need to ask their parents to borrow the car.

5. IF THE WORD "ZOMBIE" IS IN THEIR SCREEN NAME OR DESCRIPTION: Claims to like Horror Movies, but really knows very little about them. The grasp of film history that these new horror n00bs has only goes back maybe as far as the 80's and maybe a Romero movie or two. New theories hint that because zombies are usually mindless, shambling masses and consumers, so is anyone with the word "Zombie" in their screen name. Usually a Horror movie newbie or trendie. (careful, they probably only saw the DOTD remake). On general principals, Rob Zombie and his fans fall under this category too.

6. THE WORDS "CUNT", "SLUT", "WHORE" IS IN THEIR SCREEN NAME OR DESCRIPTION: Yeech. Just discovered GG Allin, who has been dead and gone for years. Thinks pictures of scat and dead things are cool because they shock people (doesn't realize most people just got over it 10 years ago or have more sense than they do). Gee, you are as cutting edge and "alternative" as all the other kids at Hot Topic and the mall.

7. "SWINGER" IS CHECKED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Probably so naive they don't realize it means they like gang bangs from members of both sexes. Jeez, just click "single", enough weirdos will approach you as it is.

8. "BI" CHECKED IN SEXUAL PREFERENCES: Usually isn't (maybe just curious) but want you to think they are because it makes them seem hotter and somehow more sexual.

9. "MARRIED" IS CHECKED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP STATUS: It means "Fuck off, I'm not here for a hook-up", or it means they are 12 and have their first girlfriend or boyfriend.

10. "SINGLE": Means "Married, but here to cheat"

11. DRINK/DON'T SMOKE: Fence rider that wants to appear be cool but probably doesn't drink either. An opinionated militant anti smoker that needs to be groin punched.

12. DON'T DRINK/SMOKE: Self absorbed selfish pothead, flake, mood swings.

13. AGE 99: New account, over 35

14. AGE 99: New account, jail bait that doesn't want MySpace age restrictions on their profile.

15. SINGLE / PROUD PARENT: Probably lives with parents, excess emotional baggage, perpetual drama and total screw-up with substance abuse problems, OR ALTERNATE: Divorced, emotional baggage, can't keep a serious relationship going. Jeez, learn what birth control is for and stop breeding, we don't need more dumb asses like you in this world.

16. HORROR DRUNK / DRUNKETTE: Likes horror movies, doesn't give a fuck what you think as long as you don't like remakes and rip-off sequels and trendy new horror, kinky in the sack, probably drinks booze so what? Or a underage kid that thinks they can impress you by saying they drink.


17. PUNK: Either old enough to have moved on (if they were a real punk in "the day") but is afraid of getting old and is desperately holding onto the corpse of their youth. OR, Missed the boat, born too late, no concept of getting their ass beat for looking different, can't imagine the days before you could buy it all at the mall, fashion victim to a decade they weren't born yet for...May as well become a hippy and live in a van while following a Greatful Dead cover band. If they are under 35 they are part of the generation that hasn't been able to get their shit together enough to create their own music scene yet, so they ride on someone else's.


18. ALTERNATIVE: Not sure what they like yet, of a newer generation that hasn't created their own music yet only apes those of previous generations.


19. VAMPIRE THEMED PROFILE: Too many Anne Rice novels, likes feminine guys but is easy prey for any guy who they think might be one of "them" or has those traits. Has bad B.O. and cats.


20. GOTH: Really? You are Goth? That was way over in about 1992 wasn't it? So unless you have been into it since it was around, you are just another kid in the generation that hasn't been able to create their own music or scene yet, you damn sheep. Bad skin from cheap make-up and crank. Either too skinny (from all the crank) or fat (from screwing up their metabolism with the crank, then giving it up).

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21. "IN A RELATIONSHIP": "Get lost" or Co dependant


22. RAINBOW AND OR STARS ON PROFILE: Militant carpet muncher, check top friends and if they are 97 percent female you know without a doubt.


23. ANY USE OF THE WORD "FUNKY": Funky is a nonsense word that means (A) They don't have the vocabulary to express what they really mean. Or (B) Desperately want to appear cool, but are too boring and normal to realize they aren't cool. Throwback hippy overtones.


24. "JAZZ" IS LISTED IN THEIR FAVORITE MUSIC: (A) 98% don't know what real jazz music is. (B) Thinks it has something to do with show tunes or anything with a Saxophone or both, (C) Shops in thrift stores but doesn't know how to dress themselves or create a specific look. If they are a guy, umm GAY.


25. DEFAULT PICTURE OF ME AND MY FRIEND: "She is the hot one that got you to slow down and look at the profile, I'm the fat one"


26. SEVERAL HIGH CONTRAST PHOTOS: I look good in these because you can't see anything but my make-up.

27. SEVERAL HAND HELD CAMERA SELF PORTRAITS TAKEN FROM OVERHEAD: What is fat is farther away from the camera so does not look as fat. I have no friends so had to take these of myself.


28. ARTWORK (no photo): My face is so horrid it melts cameras


29. HEAD, SHOULDERS, AND CLEAVAGE ONLY IN PHOTOS: Everything else is pork, but maybe these will trick you into an offline sex hook-up or some cyber.


30. "I'M SO UGLY IN THIS PHOTO" TYPE CAPTION: This is the photo I look best in... If you put up a bad photo and are so self conscious you have to say this, you are a retard. People that make faces but are at least good looking in real life don't feel the need to bother with this kind of caption.


31. THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY CAR: "My entire personality is a mass produced possession".


32. ROB ZOMBIE, ELVIRA, RUE MORGUE, OR FANGORIA ARE IN THEIR TOP FRIENDS: They are an ignorant horror n00b, most likely it is just a trendie fad for them because they have made the most obvious of choices. Or conversely, they have no taste, poor judgement, and are of questionable scruples. If you need any of this explained to you, you wouldn't understand it anyway.


33. I LIKE GORE AND SPLATTER MOVIES: If that is the bulk of what they like, it means they must also like the smell of crap and vomit, because gore and splatter movies are the last resorts of poor film makers that can't craft a truly good horror movie. GORE is the pornography of horror.


34. A SECTION OF THEIR PROFILE IS RESERVED FOR FEATURING THEIR TATTOOS: Really? I hang my picture on the wall where they can be changed and don't effect my employment status. This person may claim that it shows self expression, but it only shows the self expression of some sweaty tattoo artist trying to make a buck at doodling on strangers rather than getting a real job.


35. A GUY WITH 98% HOT AND SCANTALLY DRESSED WOMEN IN HIS FRIENDS LIST: Really dude, you live in Idaho. You don't know these women, you only imagination you do while jerking off.


36. PENTAGRAMS AND RANTS ABOUT "CHRISTIANS" OR OTHER RELIGIONS ON THEIR PROFILE: We don't care what your religion is, it is your right, but ranting about other people freedom of choice makes you annoying predijuced jerk.. You are a zealot, and zealots are there to be laughed at or dispised. Grow up. We'd feel the same way about you if you had a crucifix, Star of David, or any other religious symbol on your profile and ranted about other peoples choice.


37. CONSTANTLY SENDS OUT SEVERAL BULLETINS ABOUT NOTHING: We don't care that you just changed your nail polish color, stubbed your toe, or just got drunk. If your social life has ever consisted of sending out a "Goodnight" bulletin informing people you are getting off line now, you should have gotten offline hours ago and gone out to make real friends. We are sorry you don't have anyone to kiss you goodnight, but you aren't going to find it here you poor pathetic bizzaro.


38. SO MUCH CRAP ON THEIR PAGE LAY OUT THAT IT TAKES FOREVER TO LOAD: Not worth the wait for it to load. If this person has enough free time on their hands to design such a page, they have nothing else going for them other than their page.


39. CREEPY GUYS THAT LEAVE NOTHING BUT "HOT" AND "SEXY" COMMENTS IN GIRLS PHOTO ALBUMS: You'd do a lot better if you wrote an interesting email and actually started a conversation rather than say the well-scripted most obvious thing. How many ways is there to say "Go put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger?", just one, so go do it.


40. "COMMENT ON MY PHOTOS" BULLETINS: No. If I cared, I'd have done it already. You just got dropped from my friends list. I'm not going to fill out your creepy survey that asks too many invasive personal questions either.


And that is the list. So far. If this struck a little bit too close to home for anyone, good, fuck off then.

Umm... Err... I mean...

If you don't GET The Horror Drunx sense of humor and need satire explained to you, you are a bigger mess than I thought you were. Try having a sense of humor about yourself.

Or, fuck off.


"My name is Vampiro and I am a Horror Drunx"


EL VAMPIRO
Parts Unknown

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